The Enemies List Presents: Top 5 Things We Learned From NFL Ads In 2009
Posted on | January 25, 2010 | No Comments
Hola, NESWers. Your old friend DMtShooter from Five Tool Tool is here with a look back at the ads that you just could not avoid from the 2009 NFL season.
In my day job as an advertising professional (it’s a fine profession for Hate), I’m struck by how this year, even in the teeth of the Great Recession, advertisers in NFL games were much more interested in telling us things that had absolutely nothing to do with the products that they are supposed to be selling. You’d think that they’d button down and pitch actual features and benefits of the product, but, um, well, no. To wit:
5) Wear the clothes of a fumble-prone alien lizard.
(Which explains why AP has a hard time holding on to the football, seeing how talons are not as good as hands for ball security. It also explains how he’s been able to avoid, so far, the usual Viking ability to destroy your career with Sex Cruises, Pantomime Nudity, or a Wizzinator. But I digress.)
As much as the last 15 years has shown that people are more than willing to shorten their lives, court sterility, back acne, an oversized head and an ever-weakening amount of public humiliation via the clear and the cream, I’m not so certain that they are willing to go all the way and become non-human. So I’m also not sure how this ad sells shoes and apparel. This is an ad for a shoe and apparel company, right? The same one that wanted me to dress like Michael Vick a few years ago? Whoops.
4) Buy beer from a pitchmen of useless gadgets who pantomimes masturbation.
First things first: if you weren’t aware that Jimmy Football has been choking his chicken in your face for months now, you’re living in Wet Dreamland. “Fumbling with a condiment”? That jizz-tastic hand motion? Jimmy Football’s entire female-free existence? Patton Oswalt’s character in “Big Fan” has nothing on the self-love shown in this high rotation spot, and I swear that I can barely watch this thing without fearing for the safety of my eyes. And lunch.
Now, maybe I’m just old and beyond the target demographic, but I’ve never really wanted to Shake Hands With The Unemployed in public. If you do, may I kindly suggest that there’s something a little bit wrong with you, and that beer is really unlikely to fix it?
3) Your next television should come with Peyton Manning trapped inside, and he’s Justin Timberlake’s bitch.
And here you thought that QB Ad Geisha had made enough scratch by now to afford better living conditions. Hey, Sony… could you tell me why your TV is better? Cheaper? Lighter? Thinner? Or failing all of that, stop insulting my intelligence by making insane claims as to how my proficiency in other areas will improve while I’m sitting on my couch, staring at your glass teat?
2) Choose your next watch by making sure it reminds you of the NFL’s most overrated and overpaid quarterback.
Through some fairly large coincidence, I happen to be wearing one of these watches as I type this (a gift from the wife). It’s actually a pretty great watch, and despite what you may think from the ad, it isn’t stopped by a hard glance from someone opposing me, the second half of the NFL season, strong winds in northern New Jersey, or the crippling knowledge that I’m going to spend my entire life in the shadow of my older brother.
1) Become a better fan of the Patriots by going into hock to Saudi princes who also somehow suck down your tax dollars via bank bailouts.
Well, at least that explains something of why the world hates the Patriots. Next week, we’ll look into Coach Belicheat’s connections with 9/11. It’s the film the Illuminati don’t want you to see!
Fellow haters, that’s all I got. See you next week…
Related posts:
- The Enemies List
- Enemies List Vol. 3: This Bud’s For You
- The Enemies List, Vol 8
- The Enemies List, Vol. 10
- The Enemies List, Vol. 11
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