The Enemies List Presents: Top 5 Inadequate February Sports Replacements
Posted on | February 8, 2010 | No Comments
Hola, NESWers. It’s your old pal DMtShooter from Five Tool Tool with this week’s video-tastic orgy of dislike — and lo, does February give one much to dislike, now that the Footballery is over, the Baseballery has not begun, and the Basketballery still contains copious amounts of my favorite laundry (the Sixers) trying to convince me that Oedipus had some good ideas. (The self-blinding, not the Doing Mom.) And now that we’ve gotten off to such a cheery start, let’s go straight to the hate!
5) Daytona. I understand that there is nothing particularly intelligent about watching sports, or the choice of sports that you watch. It’s what you were born into and raised, more than anything, and if you grew up watching NASCAR, you are probably going to watch that no matter how, um, relentlessly inbred and idiotic the people around you are.
But then again, there’s NASCAR. And NASCAR tailgaters.
Folks, I come from Philadelphia Fan stock, a socioeconomic group of people that sell out an arena every February to watch people eat wings. (No, I’m not making this up.) I know hanging out with stupid people. And yet…
Y’all are messed up. In the head. And Not Right. You are also spending your entire day watching pissy Shetland Rednecks turn left and, for the most part, not die. Thinking I’ll take a miss on all of that, really.
4) The Winter Olympics. I’ve actually vacationed in Vancouver, and I used to think it was a great place. But after watching this theme song, I’d like my pleasant memories of the trip revoked. Don’t believe me? Take a peek.
Seriously, Canada, knock it off. You pretend to be all pleasant and courteous, but we all know that if you ever got us in a dark corner, you’d take out our hamstrings with a hockey stick, then cut us up into tiny pieces and sell as some odd form of bacon.
And if I’m ready to dislike Vancouver, I’m not even getting started with the actual Winter Games themselves, where dozens of sports that aren’t interesting enough to follow more than once every four years take center stage in a festival of Where Your Parents Procreated. Go, random guy who works at the Home Depot and now wears red white and blue laundry, go!
There is, at least, one saving grace of this thing: it means that the NHL All-Star Game doesn’t happen. Which leads us to…
3) The NBA All Star Game. Look, I like hoop, despite the fact that my Sixers, recent winning streak be damned, are trying everything in their power to make me stop. But All Star Games are for children who live to fantasize about things that are never as good in reality as they are in fantasy.
You know the type — they also live to float trade ideas that will never happen, but could be possible mathematically, then talk about how much smarter they are than the people who actually have these jobs. But I digress.
As for the game itself… um, I love the guy and all, but Allen Iverson shouldn’t start for his own team, let alone an All-Star Game. The players won’t play defense or do much beyond take ridiculous shots and/or throw ridiculous passes. And this is, bar none, the *best* All-Star Game that is out there.
So please, Computer Nerds of the World: take this game out of reality and into the cyberworld in which it belongs?
2) Pitchers and catchers report. I understand why people get excited about this; it’s the sports fan’s equivalent of Groundhog Day, aka the first inkling for people in the East that the utter horror of an endless winter will end.
But the actual coverage, with fat load pitchers moving at half speed and mouthing the same cliches that the print media could write for them without actually showing up to stick a mic in their face? Let’s call it what it is: a boondoggle for sportswriters to escape northern winters, in a time when newspapers are going the way of the dodo. Just run the 2009 footage and stories and see if anyone notices the difference, OK?
1) The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. When I was a young and furiously self-pleasuring pre-teen, this issue was just about the only Spank Bank deposit for the year, really. It Was Important, dammit, because there was no Internets, no instant access image search for titty, no one-stop shopping for all of your onanistic needs.
Now? Not so much. And I can’t, for the life of me, see why this is still something that people pay attention to it. Sure, it’s hot women in small amounts of clothing, but the Internet exists now. You can see that kind of person in that kind of clothing, and then you can see them without that kind of clothing. Heck, on the Internet, they even get to move and jiggle and make sounds, rather than just sit there on a very endangered page. You should try it!
Fellow haters, that’s all I got. See you next week…
Related posts:
- The Enemies List Presents: Top 5 Things We Learned From NFL Ads In 2009
- The Enemies List Presents: The 6 Most Hateful Parts of Super Bowl Media Day
- The Enemies List, Vol. 11
- Enemies List, Vol. 4
- Enemies List, Vol. 6
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