The Enemies List Presents: Five Hateful Sports Movie Women
Posted on | March 8, 2010 | No Comments
Hola, NESWers. It’s your old friend DMtShooter with a burst of video rancor, on my usual loan from Five Tool Tool. This week, as Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar for “The Blind Side” while taking a big miss on thanking writer Michael Lewis, I started to think about the women in sports movies who I wanted to (symbolically) hit in the head with a brick. Not that we’d advocate such things. Being symbolic and all, and bricks being really rather unwieldy.
5) Myra Fleener
See Barbara Hershey as Myra in the following trailer for “Hoosiers”? She shows up 67 seconds in, then again at 98 seconds, and finally at the 2:20 mark. Just long enough to make you raise the slapping hand, or wonder just what kind of bizarro land that the Hickory High team lives in, that there is no one more fun and loose than a spinster teacher to put out for old Coach Dale. The fact that she’s billed second here, even above Dennis Hopper or the cast of nobodies and never-wases that played the Hickory players? Almost as soul-sapping as her role, really…
4) Rachel Phelps
From “Major League” and played by constant ’80s presence Margaret Whitton, Phelps is the Cleveland-hating dragon lady that behaves like any number of latter-day MLB owners, and a total hate screw.
In modern times, of course, she’d just be a “cougar”, and praised for her forward-thinking ways about securing the franchise’s future, since this is more or less what the A’s have been doing for the past five years. Which is enough of a reason to hate modern times, right?
3) Harriet Bird
Man alive, it’s Barbara Hershey again! This time, she’s the spooky goth freakette in “The Natural”, who goes about killing ballplayers and making the next two hours of your life deal with chick flick melodrama, rather than Roy Hobbs mashing and making the money. And if you are going to be the Angel of Death, couldn’t you at least be, oh, a thousand times hotter, and maybe French?
2) Christina Pagniacci
The owner’s daughter in “Any Given Sunday” is played by Cameron Diaz with a Look At How Hard I’m Acting vibe, which makes her a perfect fit for Oliver Stone’s “I spell subtle without the b, because no one can hear it” direction. She’s the perfect stand-in here for every bean counting football GM that makes life miserable for fans, and chews nearly as much scenery as Pacino. Hard to do, really.
1) Adrian Balboa
Unlike some writers, I don’t think about these movies, and don’t regard them as anything but treacle. But even when these things came out, with my hormones raging like a five alarm fire, this woman, played by Talia Shire, did absolutely nothing for me. Then, she got really annoying. Unspeakably annoying. Please, Mr. T, for the love of God do something hateful to her annoying. Then amp it up.
But on the plus side, you can imagine Adrian being abused when you watch “The Godfather”, by just pretending that when the characters in the movie say “Connie”, they mean “Adrian.” (Since Shire played both roles.) And isn’t it time that movie had a few laughs?
Fellow haters, that’s all I got. See you next week…
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