EVERY TUESDAY David Chalk, renowned, acclaimed and beloved baseball writer from 7th Inning Stache, Bugs&Cranks, and occasionally Big League Stew throws up Eight Random Videos to entertain and/or enlighten right here on NESW SPORTS.

For the third straight year the Oregon Urology Institute is trying to convince men that the awesome-est time to get a vasectomy is the start of March Madness.  It’s an undeniable excuse to miss work and requires rest that justifies spending ten hours in front of the TV for four straight days watching college hoops.

Now, I love March Madness and would happily cover a first-round game again for Deadspin if they asked me, but I don’t love it that much.  I tried to think if there was any sporting event that I would have a vasectomy for.  And I can’t think of any that I wouldn’t choose the DVR over invasive reproductive surgery.

What if you offered me good seats?  I’ve been to Opening Day; Fenway and Wrigley; playoff games for the NHL, NBA, NFL and indoor lacrosse; the U.S. Open Women’s Final, a college football championship game.  So if it’s just an average game, I would again politely decline. If my favorite team was playing for a title, maybe.  Otherwise you would also need some sort of time machine.  Or you could sweeten the pot with some really amazing experiences, and these I might consider (in no particular order):

1. Sit with Jack Nicholson for a Lakers playoff game

(Dreamy image credit: Kevin XO Lager, 7IS Master MOOPSer)

Jack would have to promise to talk to me, since I’d feel awkward trying to either initiate conversation or act like I didn’t notice I was sitting next to him.

2. Play doubles at Wimbledon with John McEnroe as my partner

I just hope I wouldn’t embarrass him with my outbursts and racket throwing.

3. Sit in the booth with Vin Scully

4. Go to a boxing title fight with Mike Tyson

I love hearing Mike Tyson talk about anything, but he really knows boxing and I think it would be amazing. I just hope he eventually gets a commentator gig.

5. Play Frisbee Golf With Barry Bonds In Golden Gate Park

If we need a foursome, maybe we could bring Willie Mays and Tim Lincecum.  One of my goals in moving to San Francisco was to meet and befriend Barry Bonds.  Now that I’m here, conquering the disc golf course in Golden Gate Park is another.

6. Go to a Devil Rays game with Don Zimmer

7. Go to a hockey game and drink a lot of beer with Craig Laughlin and Don Cherry.

8. Reunite Frank Herzog with Sonny Jurgensen and Sam Huff and form a four-man booth for an improved Redskins team not coached by Mike Shanahan.

Previously on 8RV…

• Eight Random Videos #1: Spanking Orange Horses, Saving Eagles
• Eight Random Videos #2: Shaq, Iverson, Palin, Nuts
• Eight Random Videos #3: Silverdome Sale Edition
• Eight Random Videos: 7IS Baseball Mustache Edition
• 8RV #5: Luc Longley Craves Attention, Shrimp
• 8RV #6: Babe Ruth as Santa; Macho Man Christmas
• 8RV #7: Let It SNOW
• 8RV #8: The 8 Greatest Athletes Of The 00’s
• 8RV #9: NFL Wild Card Edition
• 8RV #10: NFL Divisional Round Edition
• 8R Videos XI: NFC Championship / AFC Championship
• 8R Videos 12: Pro Bowls Should Be In Hawaii Dammit
• 8R Videos 13: Ranking Miami’s World Championships
• 8R Videos 14: Hall Of Fame Hog, Russ Grimm
• 8RV XV: NBA All-Star Weekend Could Fix NFL Pro Bowl
• 8R Videos 16: When The Winter Olympics Sucked Less
• 8R Videos 17: Jose Canseco, Metal Bat & The Police